My
daughter is getting married in less than one week, on the anniversary of her
and her partner’s meeting 14 years ago. A wedding under these circumstances
appeals to the romantic in me.
However the politico part of me has been opposed
to the idea of marriage since Women’s Liberation days.
‘Marriage
is a great institution; but I’m not ready for an institution’ Mae West
Nevertheless,
the preparations for this wedding have made me reassess my intolerance of
marriage. Radical Feminist meets old Romantic…..
.jpg) |
| Yes that's me! 1967 |
When
I was married in 1967 it was still very much a man’s world. A bride was
supposed to be a virgin dressed in white handed over by father to husband and
she then took her husband’s name. Only he could raise the mortgage from the
bank, sign the legal documents to buy a house, or get insurance.
The woman was
expected to be a stay-at- home housewife and got “housekeeping’ or ‘pocket’
money from his wages. Her work wasn’t regarded as work – it counted for nothing
in the” real world”. This unspoken hypocrisy that completely ignored (and
continues to ignore in our Gross National Product) women’s unpaid work such as raising
children, care-giving, housework etc etc) still outrages me, despite the
changes that have occurred since the bad old days.
In
only a blink of the historical eye, marriage is now no longer a prison for
women; no longer an oppressive institution that treats women as items of
property, handed from father to husband.
But
it has a history that is hard to dismantle and even harder for feminists to forget.
For at least 3 thousand years, marriage was propagated by the State, the Law
and Religion as an institution that forced women into unvalued slavery of
kitchen, bedroom and children. Your biology was your destiny; if born with a
penis your power lay out in the public sphere, while the birth right of vagina
meant you were allocated the background of private arena. Marriage as a trumped
up legal form of prostitution kept women financially dependent, tying them and
their children to the men who ruled their lives.
 |
| An Arranged Marriage. Vasili Pukirev 1862 |
A
wedding formalised the marriage in law, granting a moral imperative for the
couple to have children within the sanctioned family unit. Birthing children
out of wedlock was considered a sin of the highest order and accorded great
shame to a “ruined” woman and bastard child. The male instigator was considered
a “rake” but not shamed and not cast out of the bosom of the
legitimised family circle.
The
family unit was seen as society in embryo. The patriarch was the head, the
woman his helpmate, the children his to control. The family unit was the means
by which transference of property and power through patriarchal lineage was accomplished
and ordered.
 |
| Romeo and Juliet - A Love Song. (N.Z. Movie) |
Because
of their warring fathers it was taboo for the star-crossed tragic lovers Juliet
and Romeo to marry.
The
tragedy and glory of Love is that it transcends heterosexuality, race,
religion, age and custom. In Aotearoa at least, our patriarchal inheritance is being
chipped away. Our culture is becoming more and more accepting of love’s various
couplings; gay marriage, civil unions, racially mixed marriage, second and even
third marriages with children from both couple’s past all intermingling - and even
no marriage at all. All these lifestyles are becoming socially acceptable as family
units in which to rear children.
Nowadays,
women are expected to be financially independent and a married couple make
their own financial arrangements with the bank and the law. In the case of
divorce, the law of Aotearoa protects women and children to a limited extent. Since
1971, there are social benefits to support women with their children if they
leave their husbands. Celibacy before marriage is mostly not expected for women
(for men it never was). Many couples marry after living together for some time
with no social stigma. Living together and having children out of marriage is
common. Illegitimacy and its accompanying shame is thankfully a relic of our
near past.
Really
there is no seeming reason to marry at all - yet people flock to do it.
Couples
willingly make the choice to spend huge amounts of money on their Big Day.
A wedding
has become a big expensive party where vows are exchanged. The happy couple say
upfront to everyone that they promise to be together for better and for worse
for the rest of their lives. Making an extraordinary public promise like that may
well seem worthy of the expense?
According
to the fawning mainstream media, a Royal Wedding is the apex of all weddings.
Yet a royal wedding is actually quite unlike weddings that the rest of our
society practices. A royal wedding is a horrible blast from the past - still
very much a formal treaty according security to an heredity lineage,
maintaining power and status of a privileged class, and economic certainties
between the two families of origin.
Our weddings
these days don’t cement family dynasties. Only the elites who rule the world
with their money and power have the need to protect their self-interests and
investments in this way.
Nevertheless,
us commoners mimic our ‘betters’. Many women - who after all drive the wedding
preparations – do seem to treat their wedding day as an excuse to be Princess
for the day. Although they are most certainly NOT selling themselves like lambs
to the slaughter, as Diana Spenser did.
“It’s all about me” is a dominant theme in the
current commodified culture after all. There are TV programs about Bridezillas
and Big Fat Gypsy weddings that seem to encourage these spectacles of people
behaving badly or extremely.
So getting
hitched has always been with us and always will, while humans continue to propagate
the species. And we are creatures of ritual. Even when the rituals are unhinged
from the actual belief system they once clung to, and become superstitions -
they seem to bring peculiar comfort to us.
Our
culture has precious few rituals that are meaningful and gather us in a real
sense of belonging to family and community. Funerals are such formal
gatherings, but are sad occasions despite the socialising and food. Weddings however
are both formal and happy, bringing together past and future. They celebrate
romance and beauty, they have flowers, and they make us cry as we look to the
future with hope.
Weddings celebrate love sweet love.
 |
| Psyche and Eros. Francois Gerard 1798 |
Sappho
the Greek poet who was writing in the 6th century BCE - and THAT’S a long time ago! – wrote:-
Raise
the rafters! Hoist
them
higher! Here comes
a
bridegroom taller
than
Ares!
Lucky
bridegroom!
Now
the wedding you
asked
for is over
and
your wife is the
girl
you asked for;
she’s
a bride who is
charming
to look at,
with
eyes as soft as
honey,
and a face
that
Love has lighted
with
his own beauty.
Aphrodite
has surely
outdone
herself in
doing
honour to you!
The
whanau of both bride and groom gather to wish a happy new life together and
celebrate their own part they have played in that couple’s life. Through the
rituals and customs the guests honour love, fertility, life itself.
The
immortal Sappho again:-
O
Bride brimful of
rosy
little loves!
Come
now
to
your
bedroom to your
bed
and play there
sweetly gently
with
your bridegroom
And
may Hesperus
lead
you not at all
unwilling
until
you
stand wondering
before
the silver
Throne
of Hera
Queen
of Marriage
Hera
is the Greek Goddess who presides over Marriage. The Romans named her Juno and
she is the one who gave her name to the month of June.
This
Goddess was the protector
of women in all aspects of life, but especially in marriage and childbearing,
so a wedding in Juno's month was considered most auspicious.
The popularity of June weddings also
comes from the Celtic calendar. On the Day of Beltane, or May Day (May 1st),
young couples would pair off to court for 3 months and then be wed on Lammas
Day, (August 1).
Youths were impatient, and so the waiting period was shortened
to mid-June, the height of summer.
Stag parties
were first held by ancient Spartan soldiers, who kissed their bachelor days
goodbye with a raucous party. There’s a stereotype in patriarchal culture that
men are indeed wild and marriage domesticates them. Stags rut and roar so give
metaphoric licence to the idea that a groom is kissing goodbye his youthful
wildness. ‘Wild’ these days equates to out on the town, drunk and disorderly.
Stags are wild animals that are hunted down by men and there are many humiliating
rituals drunken men can inflict upon the groom-to-be under the influence.
Hen’s parties are
the parties that women throw on the eve of marriage. Held by the bridesmaids
for the bride, only a generation ago, these were sedate afternoon affairs known
as kitchen showers. Everyone bought along a gift for the bride to help set up her
home.
When
I was a young bride in the 1960’s, people were shamed if they lived out of
“wedlock” – the word itself, indicates the idea of jail. Times have changed
radically. The sexual revolution overtook us all and women have become
‘liberated” from the thrall of chastity until marriage.
Hire-purchase
and credit cards have ended the idea of saving up for material goods and
spending within our limited means. Buy now, pay later is the maxim. Marriage
invitations often instruct the guests where to shop and more often or not, the
couple are already living together in a very well provided home.
Hen’s
parties still include lots of cackling and clucking but seem to have taken on
something of the stag’s behaviour. They often involve strippers, lewd,
uninhibited behaviour, drunken free-for-alls and not a chaperone in sight for
all those silly hens.
Tying the Knot
In
many cultures around the world -- including Celtic, Hindu and Egyptian weddings
-- the hands of a bride and groom are literally tied together to demonstrate
the couple's commitment to each other and their new bond as a married couple.
The customs differ in patriarchal cultures but always this commitment meant the
woman must honour and obey her husband. And never ever – usually on the pain of
death – commit adultery. Men might marry more than one woman, or take
concubines or mistresses with impunity in the older cultures. The woman must
never stray. Otherwise the honour of her husband is under threat.
Nowadays,
commitment to each other is still a big part of the marriage vows, but we believe
(despite ongoing consistent evidence) neither man nor woman should stray from
their sexual commitment to monogamy. Despite human nature, and the nature of
love itself (the God of Love is such a fickle creature!) we trust we will stay
the same forever and forever. Forgetting that Love is both willful and blind.
 |
| Eros.Sidney Meteyard |
Bridal
Party
The
bridal party is a tradition that has been established for many centuries. For a
long time the purpose of the bridal party was to fool evil spirits. The bride's
friends dressed similarly to her in order to confuse any virulent presences
that might be lurking about. Today bridesmaids are there to support the bride
in the stressful times during the wedding.
The Flower
Girl's role was once, not simply to spread petals down the aisle but, with her
shield of virginity, to protect the bride from the Devil.
 |
| My cute little sister Linda and me are the Flowergirls at our Aunty's Wedding 1951 |
Today,
the ring bearer can be a girl, boy, or even a dog….
Best Man
According to tradition, only an unmarried woman could be
a Maid of Honour, and only the brother, best friend, or father of the groom
could be the Best Man. In ancient times, men sometimes captured women to make
them their brides. A man would take along his strongest and most trusted friend
to help him fight resistance from the woman's family. This friend, therefore,
was considered the Best Man among his friends. In Anglo Saxon England, the Best
Man accompanied the Groom up the aisle to help defend the Bride.
The
original purpose of the Bridesmaid and the Best Man was to aid in the abduction
of the Bride, get her to church on time, and keep any hostile family members
away! Now the Bridesmaids usher the guests to their seats, the Best Man carries
the ring, and offers a toast. The Bride stands to the Groom's left during a
Christian ceremony, because in bygone days the Groom needed his right hand free
to fight off other suitors.
Being given away
is a
tradition that evolved from the days when men bought brides from fathers or,
even worse, captured them. The
tradition of the father giving away his daughter has its roots in the days of
arranged marriages.  |
| My proud Dad and Bridesmaids dressed in Green |
Daughters in those times were
considered their father's property. It was the father's right to give his child
to the Groom, usually for a price.
Now in many modern marriages the
mother and father ‘give away’ their grown-up, independent daughter as a symbol
of their blessing on the marriage, rather than thinking of the dependent girl
being handed over as property to the husband-to-be.
Ring
With no beginning or end, the circle
was the symbol of eternity, not only to the Egyptians, but many other ancient cultures.
The hole in the centre of the ring also had significance. It wasn’t just
considered a space, but rather a gateway, or door; leading to things and events
both known and unknown. To give a woman a ring signifies never-ending and
immortal love.
Some believe that the oldest
recorded exchange of wedding rings comes from ancient Egypt, about 4800 years
ago. Sedges, rushes and reeds, growing alongside the well-known papyrus were
twisted and braided into rings for fingers. These materials didn’t last very
long and soon were substituted with rings made of leather, bone or ivory. The
more expensive the material, the more love was seen to be shown to the
receiver; the value of the ring also demonstrated the wealth of the giver.
The Roman’s also eventually adopted
this tradition but with their own show of masculine power. Rather than offering
a ring to a woman as a symbol of love, they awarded them as a symbol of
ownership. Roman men would “claim” their woman with the giving of a ring. Roman
betrothal rings were later made of iron signifying strength and permanence. The
Romans were the first to engrave their rings.
It was not until about 860 that the
Christians used the ring in marriage ceremonies; even then, it was not the
simple plain band as we know it. It usually was highly decorated with engraved
doves, lyres, or two linked hands. The institution of Church discouraged such
rings as ‘heathenish’ and, around the 13th century, wedding and betrothal rings
were considerably simplified, and given a more spiritual look which was very
aptly expressed by a Bishop when he dubbed it a “symbol of the union of
hearts.”
A 12th
century pope decreed that weddings would be held in church and that the brides
were to receive rings. He also decreed that the time between engagement and
marriage should be lengthened, which boosted interest in engagement rings.
One
of history's earliest and smallest engagement rings was given to English Princess
Mary, daughter of Henry VIII. She was two years old at the time.
But it
wasn't until Archduke Maximilian of Austria presented a diamond to Mary of
Burgundy in 1477 that the tradition of offering the most enduring gem on Earth
took hold.
Diamonds
set in gold or silver became popular as betrothal rings among wealthy Venetians
toward the end of the fifteenth century.
These
days, the majority of brides receive diamond engagement rings.
There's
no dispute that DeBeers singlehandedly created the market for the diamond
engagement ring with a simple sentiment in a 20th-century ad campaign: A Diamond is Forever.
As
it turns out, the slogan might outlast the product, as socially conscious brides
steer away from the products of the war-torn, corrupt diamond industry.
In
the symbolic language of jewels, a sapphire in a wedding ring means marital
happiness.
A pearl engagement ring is said to be bad luck because its shape echoes that of a tear.
Aquamarine represents marital harmony and is said to ensure a long, happy marriage.
A pearl engagement ring is said to be bad luck because its shape echoes that of a tear.
Aquamarine represents marital harmony and is said to ensure a long, happy marriage.
Snake
rings dotted with ruby eyes were popular wedding bands in Victorian England --
the coils winding into a circle symbolized eternity.
Wedding rings through different stages
in history have been worn on different fingers, including the thumb, and on
both the left and right hands. However, according to a Roman tradition, engagement
and wedding rings are still worn on the fourth finger of the left hand (the
ring finger). There was thought to be a vein in this finger referred to as the ‘Vena Amoris’ or
the ‘Vein of Love’ that was said to be
directly connected to the heart. (not true, but still a
romantic tale that has stuck fast in popular culture.)
The Bride
In
Greek nymph is the word for bride.
The word nymph represented the
fertility and beauty of the natural world for the nymphs were the minor
goddesses who presided over each tree, stream, mountain or lake of the Greek
countryside. There were nymphs of rivers, springs, streams, seas and rain
itself. Nymphs were the spirit of individual trees and plants, as well as of
sacred groves. The Hesperides were nymphs of the evening and famous for their
garden in the West that produced the tree that grew golden apples.
 |
| Gail - my eldest daughter - Nymph of the MacKenzie Country |
White Gown and Veil
The
blushing bride’s face would be hidden beneath a veil — a symbol of her
virginity and to protect her from unruly spirits.
The
veiling of the bride has origins in the idea that she's vulnerable to
enchantment, so she must be hidden from evil spirits. The Romans veiled brides
in flame coloured red veils to scare off those spirits.
Perhaps
the most evil of spirits, in an arranged marriage is the threat that the groom,
who is perhaps seeing the bride for the first time, won't like what he sees.
The veil saves everyone some embarrassment in the short term.
In
Denmark, brides and grooms traditionally cross-dressed to confuse evil spirits….
Generally,
as well as being used to ward off evil, the bridal veil has long been a symbol
of youth, modesty, and virginity. A veil symbolises the virginal hymen that
must be rent by its owner’s first sexual penetration.
Tearing
the veil was considered good luck.
Queen
Victoria started the Western world's white wedding dress trend in 1840 --
before then, brides simply wore their best dress. White is the symbol of purity
and chastity. The Victorians were renowned for their double standards in sexual
mores - one standard for men and another for women. So men didn’t have to wear
the white suit.
 |
| Victoria and Albert 1840 |
Garter
Back in the 1300’s, it was believed
that taking a piece of the bride’s clothing would grant the guests good luck.
This led to many guests literally tearing cloth from the bride’s dress (yikes!)
So, in an attempt to stave off greedy luck-seekers, many brides began to throw
items to guests that could be easily removed and that included her garter. Some
grooms even began to remove the garter and tossed it to the men as a means to
prevent tipsy male guests from trying to do the deed themselves. Eventually it became
customary for the bride to throw her bouquet at the female guests.
Something Old, Something New, Something
Borrowed, Something Blue, and a Sixpence in Your Shoe
"Something
old" represents the bride's link to her family and the past. The bride may
choose to wear a piece of family jewellery or her mother or grandmother's
wedding gown. "Something new" represents hope for good fortune and
success in the future. The bride often chooses the wedding gown to represent
the new item. "Something borrowed" usually comes from a happily
married woman and is thought to lend some of her good fortune and joy to the
new bride. "Something blue" is a symbol of love, fidelity, and purity
of the bride.
A sixpence in her shoe is to wish the bride
wealth in her future life.
Flowers
Would
you consider walking down the aisle clutching a bundle of garlic and dill?
Well,
if you're a stickler for tradition, you might want to think about it. Until
modern times, brides did carry garlic and dill. The practice probably
originated from the time of the Plague, when people clutched the herbs over
their noses and mouths in a desperate effort to survive.
Survivors
of great tragedy can affix tremendous protective powers to anything that has
provided comfort, and the herbs made it into the ceremony marking renewal.
So the
first bouquets consisted of herbs, but later orange blossoms and apple blossoms
became de rigeur. These blossoms were wedding flowers because they represented
the Virgin form of the Goddess, whose maturity produced the fruit.
 |
| Edith - my Mother - with Bouquet of Red Roses |
However
it is the sublime rose – queen among flowers - that has traditionally (for at
least 4000 years!) symbolised the beautiful blossom from which all humankind
enters the world. La Rose in French means ‘maidenhead”. The Virgin Mary’s
mother Anne was said to have conceived her daughter whilst smelling a rose. The
rose has always been connected with the Goddesses of Love and still today a
rose is shorthand for love and romance. White roses for the virgin’s purity and
red for passionate consummation.
Over
time, brides have added different flora to their bouquet, and a whole
dictionary of meaning has arisen to define each type of blossom.
Flowers
are incorporated into the wedding ceremony as a symbol of fertility, for
blossoming flowers are the sexual organs of plants.
Music
Princess Victoria established the tradition of
playing Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" during her wedding processional in
1858.
Confetti
Sugar-covered
almonds representing the bitter and sweet parts of life — served as a snack or,
yes, as something to throw at the newlyweds as they made their exit. Rice,
cakes, grain, fruit, sweetmeats, biscuits - even peas in Czechoslovakia - are thrown
at newlyweds. All of these are representations of fertility wished upon the
newly- weds.
Rose
petals for love have long been used. Confetti is a late comer – a cheap
imitation of the older food and floral items. Puritan New Zealanders wouldn’t
want to ‘waste” food by throwing it away.
 |
| Edith and David in confetti storm in post WW2 frugal, Calvinist Dunedin |
Cake
The
tradition of a wedding cake comes from ancient Rome, where revellers broke a
loaf of bread over a bride's head for fertility's sake.
The custom of tiered cakes emerged from a game where the bride and groom attempted to kiss over an ever-higher cake without knocking it over. The origin of the tiered wedding cake also lies in Anglo-Saxon times. Guests would bring small cakes to the wedding and stack them on top of each other. Later, a clever French baker created a cake in the shape of the small cakes and covered it in frosting.
The custom of tiered cakes emerged from a game where the bride and groom attempted to kiss over an ever-higher cake without knocking it over. The origin of the tiered wedding cake also lies in Anglo-Saxon times. Guests would bring small cakes to the wedding and stack them on top of each other. Later, a clever French baker created a cake in the shape of the small cakes and covered it in frosting.
 |
| My Wedding Cake 1967 |
In
my time in New Zealand wedding cakes used always to be fruit cakes. The custom
was that young women of marriageable age would take a piece home, place it
under their pillow and dream of their husband-to-be.
Good
luck
There are dozens of good-luck,
bad-luck traditions followed by different cultures around the world. In Greek
culture, a sugar cube is tucked into the bride’s glove to “sweeten” the
marriage. For good luck, Egyptian women pinch the bride on her wedding day. The
English believe a spider found in a wedding dress means good luck.
Aftermath
The
groom carries the bride across the threshold to bravely protect her from evil
spirits lurking below.
The honeymoon
is a carryover from the days when grooms abducted their brides from the neighbours.
Through time, those abductions became fun-filled, ritualized enactments of
captured brides. Those escapades in Norse tradition, led to a prolonged ritual in
which the bride and groom went into hiding for 30 days. During each of those
days, a friend or family member would bring them a cup of honey wine, so that
30 days of consumption equalled a "honeymoon." (honey- month)
Weddings today - like just about everything - have been corrupted
by commerce.
But watching my daughter and her partner prepare for their big day
has been a lesson for this cynical elder. The loving care, craft, thought and
imagination they have invested into this event to create a day of beauty - for
everyone - has been a revelation.
They seem to be driven by a dream of Love. Love celebrated and
honoured, despite fractured and dysfunctional families, and maybe because of - and
for them too.
These two dear people, who are tying the knot, are both artists
and creatives - yet above all romantics. He proposed in Venice, after asking me
for her hand. (They had been living together and running a business for 10
years already.) What a gallant!
Pragmatics both - yet wedded to beauty in their hearts.
 |
| Phoenix and Chevron's Wedding Preparations November 2014 |
So take it away Nat King
Cole…..
‘Let there be you
Let
there be me,
Let
there be oysters
Under
the sea,
Let
there be wind
And
occasional rain,
Chile
con carne
Sparkling
champagne.
Let
there be birds
Sing
in the trees,
Someone
to bless me
whenever
I sneeze.
Let
there be cuckoos,
a
lark and a dove.
But
first of all
Please
Let
there be love
MmMm
Love……
Oooo
Love…….
Let
there be Love
